folie à deux

unmet expectations or wants,

mild resentments arising out of the pettiest things,

so banal,

cooling of the warmth i had felt for him,

kisses unreciprocated,

no little gestures of affection,

no kiss goodbye,

not even a hand squeeze,

no loving words of text

just silence,

letting miscommunication just expand and proliferate

is that how it goes

not with a bang,

just a nothing.

it's that classic dilemma, as corny and clichéd as it sounds,

whether to follow my head - which says, say goodbye, wait for someone more mature, ready for marriage and family 

or to follow my heart - to enjoy this love as it is in this moment, not thinking about the state of my ova, or our massive age difference.

and here i am, just delaying that decision making, til i absolutely have to make it, til it is forced on me.

is that choosing the heart option by default?

for now, i suppose it has to be that way.

if tomorrow, a much more ideal man were to show up in my life, and to love me, and that i were able to love him back,

why yes i would choose him.

but, will that ever happen?

films i've seen (that opened in) 2016

sing street

a bigger splash

captain america: civil war

bridget jones's baby

the hateful eight

the big short

money monster

spotlight

love & friendship

anomalisa

a bride for rip van winkle

well looks like it started off kinda great then kinda went nowhere.

i was maybe far too lazy, and didn't make the effort to see the actually well made films i don't know

surely this is not all of them?

i did love anomalisa, spotlight, but the rest...

this is probably a reminder, 

that i need to become better at film going.

i really want to listen to this,

over and over and over again.

"

Turn down the lights;
Turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices
Inside my head.

Lay down with me;
Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close;
Don't patronize.

Don't patronize me.


'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power;
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.

I'll close my eyes,
Then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me.

Morning will come,
And I'll do what's right;
Just give me till then
To give up this fight.

And I will give up this fight.

'가모가와 식당'

느릿 느릿 시작했지만 슬렁 슬렁 읽고 있다.

오늘, 마음에 콕 박힌 한 구절 -

'무서웠어요. 너무 갑자기 찾아온 행복이 무서웠어요'

나도 그런것같다.

그래서 더 노부코여사처럼, 뛰쳐나오고 싶은건지도.

i wish i could love, without thinking.

i wish i could give as much love as i have inside, without worrying about getting same amount of love back.

i wish he could just love me fully and without worry or anxiety

despite my anxieties and volatility.

i knew i always had a borderline side

but it's damn clear now that i am in this

i keep splitting

loving then loathing the love

i am fickle like the weather 

sunny and 30 degrees one day,

raining and 17 the next.

아주 심플하지만,

(이 나이 들어) 가사를 다시 들으니, 더욱 동감하는.

...when our love was blossoming,

full of anticipation

full of hope

free from constraints of real life, expectations and anxieties of the future.

it's just a bridge, i know.

but i try to find beauty in things.

i know i am all dysfunction,

but that's all i know, that's all i've seen and heard.

this morning i was so full of love,

my chest hurt as i kissed his cheek and ear 

as he slept on my bed peaceful as anything

and here i am, merely hours later,

anticipating rejection, 

eventual and inevitable, coming either days or weeks or months who knows, but regardless true in its certainty

and readying myself for it, 

bracing myself that i will be fine

that he means little

that this means little

it was a phase

a small blip of something in a sea of nothingness that is my heart

.