folie à deux

unmet expectations or wants,

mild resentments arising out of the pettiest things,

so banal,

cooling of the warmth i had felt for him,

kisses unreciprocated,

no little gestures of affection,

no kiss goodbye,

not even a hand squeeze,

no loving words of text

just silence,

letting miscommunication just expand and proliferate

is that how it goes

not with a bang,

just a nothing.

it's that classic dilemma, as corny and clichéd as it sounds,

whether to follow my head - which says, say goodbye, wait for someone more mature, ready for marriage and family 

or to follow my heart - to enjoy this love as it is in this moment, not thinking about the state of my ova, or our massive age difference.

and here i am, just delaying that decision making, til i absolutely have to make it, til it is forced on me.

is that choosing the heart option by default?

for now, i suppose it has to be that way.

if tomorrow, a much more ideal man were to show up in my life, and to love me, and that i were able to love him back,

why yes i would choose him.

but, will that ever happen?

i wish i could love, without thinking.

i wish i could give as much love as i have inside, without worrying about getting same amount of love back.

i wish he could just love me fully and without worry or anxiety

despite my anxieties and volatility.

i knew i always had a borderline side

but it's damn clear now that i am in this

i keep splitting

loving then loathing the love

i am fickle like the weather 

sunny and 30 degrees one day,

raining and 17 the next.

...when our love was blossoming,

full of anticipation

full of hope

free from constraints of real life, expectations and anxieties of the future.

i know i am all dysfunction,

but that's all i know, that's all i've seen and heard.

this morning i was so full of love,

my chest hurt as i kissed his cheek and ear 

as he slept on my bed peaceful as anything

and here i am, merely hours later,

anticipating rejection, 

eventual and inevitable, coming either days or weeks or months who knows, but regardless true in its certainty

and readying myself for it, 

bracing myself that i will be fine

that he means little

that this means little

it was a phase

a small blip of something in a sea of nothingness that is my heart

.

혼자여도 괜찮아.

이제껏 이렇게 오랫동안 혼자 잘만 살아 왔잖아.

그애가 없는 연습 해야지.

곧 언제 날 떠나갈 지 모르는데.

자꾸 연습해야지, 다시 혼자 될.

사랑은 무슨,

영원한 사랑은 더더욱 무슨.

미래는 또 무슨.

다 헛것.

what if my love keeps growing

and his love was at its peak to start with - and at best it can only plateau, and if not, it can only diminish from here?

maybe it's a blessing

that this is a love that cannot last,

so i know to cherish it even more.

is love not the greatest and commonest folie à deux?

what is love?

i don't know, i've not known it for so long, i'd forgotten what it felt like to be loved but most of all to love.

but i've been surprising myself, at how giving i've become now that i've found someone to love

how i give, my time, my sweetness, how i like to drive him, cook for him, make him laugh, pleasure him.

from time to time, i stop myself, i don't recognize myself hardly. 

but isn't it all give-and-take, shouldn't i be taking more? 

so i start to question myself, doubt his love or dedication to me,

but in the end, i want to love,

make the most of this opportunity to give my all,

love to the fullest.

love to no regret.